In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
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Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Taliband
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments