[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
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Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.