in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
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Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
let’s discuss
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.