In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
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My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
This is a true ally.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…