In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
You Might Also Like
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Note to self: always read the final line
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Chicken bread
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops