In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
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Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I just love that new Pope smell.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
secret recipe
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.