[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
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Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Banking tips
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.