In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
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My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
pizza
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.