In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
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70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
This is enough internet for the day.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*