In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
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Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I bet
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Them: Just act casual
Me:
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
🙄😏😂🤣
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”