In Russia, Pokemon find you.
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Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
i think we should see other cousins
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
The point of your 20s
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.