In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
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IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !