in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
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Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.