In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
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bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”