In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
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When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Yes, but it was never about money
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough