In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
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*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.