In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

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I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.


me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”


Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.


[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes


Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…


How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.


Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot


Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.