In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
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The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
What
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?