[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
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turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues