In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
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My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
🍛
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.