In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
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*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
spot the difference
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.