In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
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im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Morning my dudes.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.