In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
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What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?