In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
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I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams