In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
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Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.