Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL

me: [exists]

bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad

Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly

They have a sign that says “Food is medicine”. That is great, the next time I have a headache I’m going to duct tape a fucking big mac to my forehead.

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no