In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
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For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking
PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
They have a sign that says “Food is medicine”. That is great, the next time I have a headache I’m going to duct tape a fucking big mac to my forehead.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex
fibonacci: absolutely not
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no