In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
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So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
being a writer on Twitter:
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.