Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.

Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…

Interviewer: Strengths?

Me: Vocabulary?

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.