in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
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Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.