[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
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If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx