*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
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Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Breaking news:
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Are we there yet?…
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Wake me when AI does housework
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
$4 #usedbooks