*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
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Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
i wish we could shoplift online
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.