In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
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Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.