[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
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ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
My safe word is Worcestershire
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”