[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.