In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
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[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.