In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
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Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
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My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof