[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
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My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.