[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
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airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
found this cool rock hiking today
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”