[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
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The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye
Him: No, not like that
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
me: this haunted house is so scary
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.