*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
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Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I could NOT have put it better myself.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.