*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
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Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it鈥檚 not my blood
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what鈥檚 he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven鈥檛 even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
The word r茅sum茅 has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
#Caturday
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
馃槀
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.