In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked.
It was earie.
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Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets donât add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
âIâd like to speak with a managerâ
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time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
honey, bring out the fine china.
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we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
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not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Iâll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: youâre such a goof!
me: hehe Iâll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like⌠dumbass?
me: no oneâs ever dared to call me that. I wouldnât be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning đĽ°
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Sometimes itâs just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
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First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
đž
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When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
âHave you tried just letting go?â Me as a therapist
âWhatever you do, donât let go!â Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two upâŚ
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Iâm like a Picasso. Youâre not sure quite whatâs going on with me, but something definitely isnât right.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
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SONOFA
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I just want to be as hot as a grandparentâs living room at Christmas.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.