In the cyber-farting case, the ex (the alleged farter) is accused of harassment, but all I hear is “her a$$-mint”.
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LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I want this so bad
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When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
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Make your daily standup meeting shorter
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