*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
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nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
😲 WTF? 😆
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me: