In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
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*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap