“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
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MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*
Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.