@MichaelTrying

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

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@TheAlexNevil

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

@jwblvd

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

@justoneac

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

@AaronFullerton

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

@UNDEADTRESOR

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

@OllyiConic

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

@robdelaney

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

@squirrel74wkgn

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

@Sorrowscopes

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.