In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

You Might Also Like


*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”


MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right


Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.


I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”


Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.


[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.


I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.


*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!


Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.