@MichaelTrying

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

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@brianbowman73

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

@Token_Geezer

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

@T_Bonezzz_

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

@gbergan

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

@causticbob

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

@ozzyunc

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

@slaughthie

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

@DanMentos

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

@FatherWithTwins

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing