In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
You Might Also Like
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I’m tired tomorrow.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.