*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
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My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
my dog when i have a friend over
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!