ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
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Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report
What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*
*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.