[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
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*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Welcome
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
But wait…
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together