[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
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Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Pretty certain I can more drunk