In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
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I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”