In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
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I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
favorite tropes as memes